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(Listening to Anathema - Everything)
I haven`t written anything in a while, I felt somehow disturbed by all sort of both known and unknown feelings, I couldn`t get focused on anything, specifically. If you don`t believe me, you should ask my book, "Vanity Fair" by Makepeace Thackary - I haven`t open the first volume since few centuries ago, or, no - I didn`t even bothered to close its pages, I`m sure it`s all-dusted at the moment...
I figured out that one of the ingredients of the recipe which keeps me alive and makes me smile is nothing more but dreaming. Every human individual is a very complex mechanism which has a completely weird way of functioning. Of course, weird - only to a certain extent because there are loads of phenomena which I totally understand but... It`s just... Whether I dislike or I`m too afraid to admit I feel like that, which makes me wanna runaway and never look back.
What is to be done when one is asked "What`s up?" and the only thing they can answer is "Everything is down, nothing`s up..." ? First of all - I assume - we should try to install order in the inner forum because tranquility comes out of that place.
Concerning myself, whether I`m too lazy to accomplish such a mission as scanning all the files I`ve stocked inside and delete the unnecessary, damaging ones or I`m simply too afraid to face them just because I know it`s not such a pleasant feeling to do it.
Once upon a time, Alina had a handmade sheep and she brought this special sheep into her flat in Constanta in purpose to make herself more cheer. In Romanian traditions there is this habit that sheep bring goodluck (No, it`s not true - I invented it due to the fact that I`m emotionally attached to my handicrafted ugly sheep).
But things didn`t turn out as she was expecting and hoping because her dog (also known as Coffee or, better, Dogzilla) ate the entire sheep, piece by piece. Besides, she wasn`t even at home while her Ugly Sheep went silently into the world of shadows...
Apart from these events, I have the feeling that I need to find something - It`s such a pressuring feeling! It`s like a mad, odd rush into my blood, I need to ahead somewhere or to someone, I need to have in front of me a certain smile on a certain face.
Usually, this kind of feeling ends up in finding comfort in somebody. Moreover, when it happens to reach this beatitude, I feel like a heavy pain it`s taken away from my heart, from my soul, I feel relieved for a while - but just for a while because the rush in me starts all over, from the very beginning, again and again and again, apparently energetic and restless.
But what happens when you discover that you`re mistaken? I mean, I felt this rush in my veins due to such a need of finding my comfort in someone but I failed to find it in the person I thought fit. So, there is the hypothesis of a strange theory regarding so many thoughts spinning fast and mad in my mind.
There was a lovely foggy weather outdoors today. I wonder if this the reason why my mind is so blurry. I`m trying hard to see what`s forward - I`m simply gazing at the horizon, knowing that that is the place I need to reach in order to (re)gain my inner balance but yet, I feel there`s an eternity till i`ll get there, especially because I know I`m mistaken concerning him and, step by step, I must set up distance in between.
Dreaming.
Disliking events coming from nearby reality (I mean, the reality as seen trough the 5 senses, as I like to call it... The reality reached by touching) lead me to start thinking of ways of escapism - the last frontier of one who deeply feels the scaring consequences of confusion.
I`m currently dreaming of a project - a very daring one, since I`m deep waters and, honestly speaking, I`m not such a good swimmer. No-no, wait! The naked truth is that... I really don`t know how to swim. So, this means I gotta catch up with my project while trying to learn how to swim and put troubles behind.
Alina and Mr. Trouble - it can be said that they have a special relationship, it looks like they`re close friends. No matter how hard she tries, Mr. Trouble is always back in her life. No-no, actually, if she tries to keep him away or out of her life, this means that only he thinks they`re friends, she dislikes his company but it looks that he won`t quit easily messing up her life.